Category Archives: Musings

Little Spinal Surgery Hacks (and other things they don’t tell you about…)

Intro

I’m too young (in my own mind) and active (also in my own mind) to be hunched over with back pain.  For 7 months I couldn’t stand up straight, couldn’t walk and quality of life was significantly impacted.  6 months of physical therapy, two surgical opinions, all kinds of medications and steroidal epidurals could not change the results of the MRI showing surgery as the best option to cure the degenerating situation and stenosis. So… Onward into the breach….

Day 1:  Surgery Day

no hurt

You wake up from surgery with head spinning, a smashed face, a mouth feeling like it’s full of cotton and people doing things to you that you can’t quite identify.  You’re dizzy as hell.  But that’s all pretty much expected.

Then comes the ‘bums rush’…..something like a ride at Disneyland where they push you out of the right side of the small world boat so they can push the next guests in on the left side.

They dress you like a 4 year old dressing a Barbie…. No underwear, pants half pulled up and twisted and your shirt half on with no bra.  Shoes? Forget that….too much trouble.  They hand you some barf bags, stick you in a wheel chair and out the door you go like a drunken party guest they can’t get out of the house fast enough.  You climb into the car hoping no one sees you (because you’re at least coherent enough to have a LITTLE vanity), but at the same time you don’t remember your own name or if that really IS your car you’re getting in to.  You hear your mother’s voice in your head about the proper attire to wear if you get in a car crash.  You proceed to stress out about not having underwear on the whole way home.

Later that day: It’s euphoria – you’re cautiously walking around, but most of all, standing up straight.  HOLY SHIT…. YOU’RE ACTUALLY STANDING UP STRAIGHT!!!  That hasn’t happened in over 7 months!  (You don’t really completely realize at the time that the anesthesia and mega pain killers are still coursing through your system and THAT’s why you feel so stinking good.)   Like a repetitive drunk, I couldn’t stop yelling at my husband to “Look, look, LOOK!  I’m straight!”.   I was just ready to kiss Dr. Palmer and offer him cash, a house in the Bahamas, bricks of gold bullion, first born children, etc.  You’re cured.  Here come absolute tears of joy.  (well, tears flowing from joy,  the drugs or maybe both).

Day 2:  Doing Pretty Good….

little hurt

You’re dutifully taking your painkillers knowing in the back of your head that there’s no way you could feel good for long and you know that the full surgical painkillers will wear off eventually.

You think those Percocet are going to keep the pain away but…. Uhhhhh……Let’s put a pin in that for now.

(Side note….those painkillers make you incredibly thirsty.  You’re sucking down water like a drowning fish.  Just keep in mind what side effects come along with that….. “foreshadow for suffering”.)

So night one, you’re up 2 or three times heading to the bathroom.  A little painful moving, but you can walk.  You wobble across the room and lean on whatever you can to make sure you don’t fall.   You say a silent prayer to your physical therapist who forced you to build up core strength over the last 6 months.  You can feel yourself purposefully diligently engaging your core as you move.  You assume the little pain you’re starting to feel is related to those lovely surgical painkillers wearing off and the weaker oral painkillers not being quite as effective.  All manageable (so far).

You get to the bathroom feeling accomplishment, but also remembering you haven’t really “sat down” or “stood up” without help since you got home.  You’re facing a new reality here in the bathroom in the middle of the night.  Okay, it’s a small space, you can brace yourself against the two walls… Yup.  That will work.  Then, not to be too indelicate, but there’s a whole bunch of things you have to deal with now….one handed. Worst thing is holding yourself up and then attempting to deal with yoga pants and underwear.  (The same underwear you were so concerned about the day before). Against your better judgement (and again, with your mother’s voice in your head) you change into a night dress with the underwear flinging into the laundry basket.  We’re going alfresco.  This will become the single best decision you make in 5 days.

As time goes on, the painkillers are there, but frankly, don’t seem to do much at all.  You assume that if you weren’t taking them at all, you would be writhing in agony, so they MUST be doing something.  Then you think, the pain you’re feeling right now is still too bad for the painkillers to be actually working…. so maybe you aren’t taking the pills right….you read the label again…you make sure you overlap them by an hour so they don’t ever wear off.  You try 2 in 6 hours instead of 1 in 4 hours. Nope, no change.  You still have a super sad face on the old pictorial pain scale.

At the end of the day, you still hurt, still are taking painkillers religiously, and still moving cautiously and slowly.  You add a little lead time to all of your trips (particularly to the bathroom) and you time your movements ONLY when you know painkillers are fully kicked in.

But man…the euphoria of day 1 and the confidence of day 2 is starting to evaporate as everything in your body is starting to scream at you.

Day 3: I’m going to die…

Next morning you stand up (just like you were doing before) and you fall back down to the bed… You get close to emitting a full on ‘scream-queen-horror-movie’ type of noise.  Maybe you just bent the wrong way….  Let’s try this again a little more slowly….  Same thing.  Can’t get up.   Try one more time leaning on the bed at a different angle….  STILL can’t do it.  No amount of “core” can help you now.

You sit on the end of the bed and take another painkiller then wait quietly without moving for 30 mins (even though you have to….uh…’go’).  But you know you have to have every appropriate ounce of painkiller possible in order for you to get up.   At the 31 minute mark, you try again.  Nope.   (Foreshadow:  this is the next 2 days of your life.)

Now you HAVE to do it.  You HAVE to get up.  You use every core muscle you have at your disposal (again thank you physical therapy) to slowly stand yourself up and maintain a low crouch.  Without moving anything unnecessarily, you slide one foot after the other in an “eye on the prize” desperation to get to the next closest piece of furniture to grab on to. You take one slow cautious step every 60 seconds because it takes that long for the pain to abate and for you to be able to MENTALLY try another step.

And it’s funny, over the last year that you’ve been in pain (before surgery), you’ve learned every trick in the book on how to avoid it by doing weird pelvic tilts, bending over, leaning on anything and everything, putting one foot in front of the other, bending your knees, leaning to the right, sleeping in fetal position….but none of those little tricks are going to work for you this time….. Your body just f’ing screams pain with ANY weight in any way you try to set it down .

Time passes slowly as you claw your way forward.  You’re in the bathroom.  You reach out and brace yourself with hands on both walls to keep the weight off your back.  but you know you’re going to have to let go.  ….this isn’t going to be pretty but thank god all obstructionist clothing are out of the way and you can concentrate on how to maneouver while putting all your weight on that one hand that stays on the wall.  (I sure wish we practiced this one in PT!)

After 20 minutes of painfully negotiating your way to and from the bathroom, panic sort of starts to set in.  What have you done to yourself?  You now begin to picture Dr. Palmer with red skin, devil horns, a pitchfork and a tail.  You decide when you get used to the wheelchair you’re going to need for the rest of your life, you’ll roll on down to his office, find his (presumably expensive) car and slash his tires every day for a month.

But, that aside, you must carry on.  Next time, it’s time to try something different.   Genius husband brought a chair in a few days ago to sit rather than stay in bed all day.  In the middle of the night, you ease yourself up (this time muffling the screams to not wake anyone up), grab the back of a chair, turn around…..then drag it a foot….lean on it….take a step….turn around…drag it a foot…lean on it… take a step…and do that all the way into the bathroom.  Surprisingly my hard sleeping husband didn’t wake up during this Quasimodo style series of movements.  It worked okay, with something to lean on, the pain was much much less, but the dragging part still hurt like hell.

Getting Creative

Once you figure it out, you realize you can alleviate the worst of the pain by leaning on something, anything.  Just enough to take the pressure off your back.

Before we figured out a couple of genius tricks, my lovely husband holds out his arm for me to lean (heavily) on as I walk slowly and cautiously stopping only to rest on the dresser before starting again.

bathroom hack

He says “wait a minute…you just need something to lean on right?”  Yep.  So off he goes (leaving me stranded and clinging to the dresser like a life preserver).  He comes back with a small cabinet and puts it in the bathroom next to the toilet.  He walks me to the door and leaves me leaning on the cabinet in perfect position.  He steps out, both of our dignities maintained.  He waits dutifully outside for the procession back to bed afterwards.

The cabinet approach worked brilliantly and I was able to get back to the door where I could take his arm again to  get back to bed…  by the time I get back, I feel like I’ve run a marathon.

More Creativity

Later on, when I wake up from a nap, I see there is furniture all across the room, lining a pathway to the bathroom.  The (admittedly misplaced) anger at Dr. Palmer was replaced by overwhelming joy.  The furniture bridge let me go hand over hand, leaning the whole time and getting where I needed to go without help.  Genius.

Lifesaving bridge

Next (presumably) genius hack appeared as an old walker that we had in storage.  That should be awesome, right?  Nope.  It was perfect to lean on, but putting ANY pressure on my back made it scream; I couldn’t lift the walker up even ½ inch…and certainly not enough to move it forward enough to take the next step.  The best I could do was to stand up in front of it, then angle sideways and drag it behind me into the next position then take another step.  Just as bad as the previously attempted chair method.  Not tenable for short or long term.

Day 3:  Greatest Hack of All

Double cane mobility

Next there was a cane borrowed from a neighbor.  That worked great….for one side.   I still couldn’t’ put down enough weight  on the opposite side to move the cane forward and then shift weight back again.

Genius husband had to go off to CVS for a second cane.  BINGO!  That was the best solution EVER.  Now I could move around.  Lean left, move the right cane, lean right, move the left cane.  Hallelujah.

Shower Hack

Showering was another adventure.  It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to stand up in the shower or sit down in the tub.  Of course we had no shower chair.  Yet once again, my lovely husband comes up with a genius hack and brought up a patio furniture chair and put that in the shower.  We fortunately had a hand held shower head so that was pretty stinking smart and worked great.

The only thing was, after getting up from the lovely shower, I had crosshatch marks across my bum from the webbing on the chair.  Hilarious, but somehow not so attractive.  Next time I used a towel.  🙂

bad shower chair         good shower chair

And It’s All Downhill From There…

Day 4: Talked to Dr. Palmer.  Might have a little fluid build up causing the excess pain.  Need to get steroids and new painkiller.

He says…Some people take up to 6 weeks to fully walk….wait…what?  Oh no you don’t….that’s not going to happen!  Mental fortitude shows up, ‘I’ll prove you wrong’ attitude appears and with it a new concentration on doing everything right to make progress.  (Too bad physical fortitude doesn’t always pay any attention to the other fortitude.)

Today’s the day to give up on the Percocet.  Doesn’t seem to do anything anyway.

Day 5: Ray of hope…slightly less “leaning” pressure needed to keep the pain away.  Have to be careful with twisting too much….still some shooting pains in low back. Dr. Palmer checks in.

Day 6: More improvement – few steps now and then with just one cane…more practicing…. “I’ll show you” attitude still hovering about….  I’m going to be walking dammit.  Dr. Palmer checks in again.  (At this point, it’s getting harder to consider slashing the tires of the guy that calls to check on you every day.)

Day 7: Few cautious steps without either cane, can briefly stand up with no support….  Still have to be carefully centered, pelvic tilt, handhold close by…  Euphoric again knowing progress is happening daily.  Terrified of falling…

Day 8: Progress continues  –   Had company so spent a lot more time on my feet.  Still used 2 canes, but used only 1 more often.

Day 9: Spent half time on canes. Had a party for 4th of July.  LOTS of walking and standing, some with cane, some without.  A lot of time on my feet.  Felt great!  (but that was probably the wine….)

Day 10:  Spent more time without canes than with. Can walk comfortably and UPRIGHT.  Have to be careful not to get too cocky….but almost can’t help it! Did two 10 minute slow treadmill walks (leaning on bars).

Day 11:   Dr. Palmer visit.  All is well, but no PT for awhile, keep doing what we’re doing.  Come back in 4 weeks.  Did 4 rounds of 10 min tread-milling plus all the walking to and from the Dr’s office.  (and rest assured that his tires on his car remain intact.)

Day 12 (Today):  Got a little cocky?  Yes.  Yes, I did!  Everything is sore today.  Probably overdid the company, party, the trip to the Dr’s office and tread-milling.  Will ignore the Fitbit nagging and slow down just a bit today.  It’s a holiday after all!

Things I forgot to mention:

furry friend

I wore the brace and used ice, ice, and more ice religiously.  I even slept in the brace to hold the ice pack in place.  I actually think the ice helped more than the Percocet did in some cases. I love it!

Make sure the ice pack is in a giant zip lock so no leaking.  I put it behind the brace while I’m sitting but it keeps slipping out.  Get some of those big “chip clips” to clip the ziplock to the top of the brace.  No more slippage!

And I also had a couple of support buddies.  Never underestimate the power of a furry friend.  😉

Current Conclusion

Ready to start training for a marathon (okay….well… maybe not so much….)  But am looking forward to getting back to PT and maybe toward the end of summer doing some activities again like SUP and playing a round of golf or two.

Have experienced sincere tears of joy over the elimination of the pain I had before surgery.  That includes the previously underappreciated ability to stand up straight and tall. (and just to be clear, the tears were without the influence of sedation and heavy narcotics this time!)

And lastly, I no longer envision Dr. Palmer, red with devil horns against a backdrop of flames and am back in love with him.  The desire to slash his tires has fairly dissipated and been replaced with something more closely resembling a great deal of gratitude and appreciation.

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Consultant Survivor

An old post….considered an “oldie, but a goodie!”   😉

So, you know how the show Survivor works??  Well… I got voted off the island last night.

The company that I was consulting for, in a bold but not unexpected move,  fired their CIO three weeks ago.  They immediately followed up with assessing and letting go of the myriad of high priced consultants one by one.  To set the stage appropriately, the now former CIO believed in a bizarre brand of “healthy competition” and hired multiple consulting firms to support (aka “fight over”)  the same projects.    There were at least 9 consulting and professional services organizations and no less than 20 consultants engaged in 3 projects for a $300m company.  That doesn’t include the 30 or so full time staffers.  (If anyone in the industry is interested, email me and I’ll tell you who all the firms were.  It’s good for a chuckle.)

In the first couple of days after the Chief made his unceremonious exit,  2 consultants from the LT tribe got cut and happily ran like hell to get on the next plane home.   The ones left behind were silently relieved and openly envious.  A few more days went by and DB and Associates got cut….a few more days after that and the TC tribe went home…..then a couple of the Q tribe just left on their own, knowing it was only a matter of time for them…. and then SS got tossed….. one by one….until only one consulting firm and two lowly consultants were left.

In the final hours….it was down to just John and I.   I pondered the irony.  I had previously begged and pleaded with my bosses to get me off the account and send me anywhere else….yes, even New Jersey.  But they wouldn’t budge.  There was much unnecessary laughter and comments about how I had to “take one for the team”.   (I never forgave them for that by the way.)   But now it was all different.  I wanted to be the last one standing triumphantly hoisting my 60 page IT Strategic Roadmap in the air.  I was relatively confident and knew I had the better skill set and experience for what they needed ….but alas, I also knew I was weak in the “relationship” department.  I tried to remember who I had pissed off last and how that might impact my chances.  Who did I need to take to lunch to atone?

In the final moments, John (brilliant in his own right) won out with better alliances and relationships.  I was overjoyed and pissed off in equal doses.  “Be careful what you wish for John!” was my final taunt as the elevator door closed on my last trip to that crazy building (which I swear was built to signal alien spaceships).

Despite it being a completely miserable 9 month experience, I guess I should be happy that I made it to the final tribal council.  Maybe I’ll get to do the talk-show circuit and then come back as the nemesis on the final challenge or as a judge in the next season.

Oh, the joys of consulting!

Paying the Bills (not.)

Paying the Bills (not.)

The Process

1.  Sat down to pay bills (ugh.)

2. Opened the computer and scanned email.

3. Saw some interesting Linkedin updates and clicked over to check.

4. Saw an interesting Twitter from an interesting person on Linkedin so clicked over to check that.

5. Twitter had an interesting reference to a cool iPad app… of course now have to go check that.

6. Open iPad and download the app. (Flipboard)

7. Read an article on Flipboard about the top ranked iPad apps for the week.  (All games…blah….)

8. Read an article on top ranked Android apps for the week.  (AHA!)

9. Find a new “must have” Android app.

10.  Use Google Goggles on the Android to take a picture of the bar code from the article on the iPad (yes…using Android to take a pic of the iPad screen.  Feels deliciously sacrilegious.)

11.  App immediately is found and directly downloaded to the Android (COOL!)

12. Now running the app (Antennas) on the phone to identify the location of all cell towers in my vicinity.

Summary: 

That was the COOLEST PROCESS EVER!!! 

But…..  was all that necessarily a good thing?  What did I really accomplish other than getting distracted from my original goal of paying the bills?   Will I ever get that wasted time back?  Will I actually pay my bills before I run out of time?  Does this speak to my inability to focus on a task at hand and the easy way I am compelled to participate in and to even relish any distraction?  I seriously have to consider whether this is a perfect example of what causes my younger staff members to be so constantly distracted and unable to accomplish even some of the simplest things.  And if that’s really the case, how do you harness the power of this multi-tasking, distracted behavior and use it for being productive and generally creating “good” in the world?  

So coming back around, it just begs the philosophical question…is this “technical gadgetry and social media” stuff, really such a good thing in our lives?  Does it improve productivity in any way?

Thinking long and hard.  My bills are on autopay.  So yes.  This is DEFINITELY THE COOLEST THING EVER!!  😉

Mike. (As described by Kris.)

About me:

I control the TV/Stereo. Don’t even THINK about touching that remote….or that one…or that other one over there….or those 6 sitting on the coffee table. (I have made the entertainment system so complex that the mere mortal couldn’t figure it out if they tried….hehehehe!!!)

Oh yeah…I also control the kitchen….the garage…the patio and yes…the driveway too…

I do things in excess and don’t believe in moderation or limiting indulgences.

I love politics and anyone who can’t keep up with my political knowledge is a moron. That distinction allows me to talk down to you or to be as sarcastic as possible…. so beware.

I am a FABULOUS cook….particularly with chocolate souffle….so back off jack!

I can control people. They ALWAYS do what I want, when I want. They don’t always start out that way. If they don’t, I throw a tantrum and they give in.

I’m in love with my stupid dog. (Sometimes, I like him more than Kris….but not in THAT creepy PETA way….)

I do NOT enjoy the absurd….I just don’t think its funny…certainly not as funny as Kris finds it. Case and point. Stephen Colbert’s book title is “I Am America, and So Can You”. I don’t get it. Kris thinks it’s HILARIOUS and laughs whenever she see’s it.

I find traffic exceedingly annoying…Especially those people who talk on their cell phones while driving…(Of course…I do that too…but so what?)…and those people who put on their makeup while talking on the cell phone and driving…I’m convinced…somewhat like my brother-in-law Greg… that those people left their house with the specific intention of annoying me personally. (And yes…I drive, talk on the cell phone, change my CD’s and eat a big mac all at the same time…what’s your point??)

I find Costco somehow strangely compelling…

Kris thinks I am a total grouch and joy killer most of the time….but she also thinks I am HILARIOUS (when I want to be). And that I am CHARMING (when I want to be). And that I’m completely thoughtful and caring (when I want to be.) UGH. 

Who I’d like to meet:

Someone who’s been to as many concerts or has as much music as I do.

The power of outsourcing

Here is outsourcing at it’s finest. 

I have 10 Visio drawings to do for an executive presentation.  I hate doing Visio.  I don’t have time to do Visio.  I don’t WANT to do Visio.  So….go to the internet…look up Visio help….find a site called “Rent a Coder”.  (It’s essentially Ebay for programming services.)  I post my request for 10 Visio drawings and within an hour I have 10 people bidding on my job.  They are from around the world, offer ridiculously low rates and send fabulous samples of their work.

Hmmm….I think I’m going to post a job for someone to do my expense reports.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Kris-the-Lazy

I would like to thank the academy….

My first introduction to R+F was at a lunch meeting/interview in Salt Lake City with Lori Bush.  Lori described a horrible Jenkon implementation and described the painful circumstances in such articulate detail that I couldn’t do anything but be utterly fascinated.  I remember going home and telling Mike that the situation was a complete trainwreck.  He rolled his eyes and knew right away I was going to take the job.

So through the first year and a half we (IT) tortured the entire R+F staff (and the budget) through a painful conversion.  We ran a mile a minute, throwing in technology, replacing pieces, merging pieces, integrating pieces and tossing out some other pieces altogether.  At the end of the day, we had a fully integrated stand-alone and very solidly workable system.  There are still a few  missing pieces, but all of the heavy lifting is done.  I’m happy with the result and know that there are a lot of very smart people that can finish getting the system from here to there.

Those smart systems people (obviously) include Lacey, Joules, Jared and a more recent and somewhat surprising addition is Lori. I’ve always thought of her as a veritable genius, particularly in Marketing and the Direct Selling business in general, but over the last two weeks I’ve watched her become a technologist.  In just one day I’ve heard her discuss IT project portfolio management, describe what the Avaya phone switch will do, talk about reporting services, ad hoc queries and explain database elements. We may have to let Lori join “the club” and get her her own designer pocket protector.

My next R+F encounter was with Amnon who quickly became obvious as one of the most intelligent and supportive leaders I’ve had the opportunity to work with.  Not only is he a technology advocate but he has also consistently supported the IT junk food habit.  I’ll never forget a particularly frustrating day when Amnon came by and asked if cookies would make it better.  Off the top of my head, I said caramel apples would do the trick (thinking there was no way he could come up with that.)  A week later, a giant case of gourmet apples showed up and it was a party for three days as everyone sampled and enjoyed.

There’s a bonding that occurs over shared misfortune that’s hard to put into words. I’ll never forget the look on Susan’s face across the executive conference table on any number of occassions.  We were bonded in mutual misery (okay maybe “misery” is a little over-dramatic…but not by much).  Sales and/or Marketing would come up with that next “big idea” and it usually spelled nothing but pain and suffering (more drama for effect)  for our respective departments.  She would say “do you know how you are going to execute that?” “Nope” I would say. We would both roll our eyes and then we would go find Lacey.

Another significant moment in history was with Chris, watching the sales field turn from a group of confused unengaged retailers to much more independent and capable business people. I’ve see a lot of field dynamics in my career, but I have never had an opportunity to be in the room, as a witness to a pivotal moment in an organizations history like this one. I will never forget the collective and incredible “A HA!” that occurred at the January Leadership Event.  It was amazing to watch the subsequent change in sales and recruiting that occurred over the course of the following year.

My fabulous staff, Drew, Lacey, Nancy and Joules are some of the brightest most dedicated people and will be the ones to help take this company to the next level.  They know how much I love and appeciate them and that they will always be “my kids”.

Courtney is the business partner of a lifetime. I couldn’t ask for anyone better to work with who has an appreciation of what technology can and can’t do.  Probably more importantly as well,  is how she can motivate you to do things you absolutely don’t want to do!  I remember early on having a meeting with Courtney when she was still working as a part time contractor from SLC.  I met with her with the intention of hiring her as a project manager for the then languishing Pulse implementation.  I practically BEGGED her to help.  She articulated that she was looking to be an executive at the company rather than a PM.  I thought my prayers were answered and soon found out they were.

So thank you to everyone for allowing me to participate in this great R+F journey.  Know that I believe in you and know that I will always watch your continued growth and success.

And of course, I’m no more than an email, instant message, Facebook, Myspace, Linkedin, Twitter, Oovoo, Skype or phone call away. 😉

Best wishes and much success, 

Kris